“If I start to go insane – I close my eyes and see only things I want to see.” – Redd Kross
You won’t find the voice of Paul in my posts, though I did decide to match him on a song quote. The one I chose however, is far more self indulgent. And that’s ok.
I know that he has pretty much given up on the idea of my contribution at this point. I have gone beyond the level of slack, after all. I’m having a bit of trouble climbing myself out of the hole that I seem to have fallen into. (If I were to be honest there, I probably would have said the hole that I have dug myself into. But I have learned this year that honesty is far overrated. Including honesty with oneself.)
With holiday season upon us here, I found myself deciding in the wee hours of this morning that I am throwing away this holiday. There is little to celebrate at the moment, and I have no one to blame for that but myself. Myself being what I will choose to celebrate instead. Rather than continue to try to operate the same broken machinery I am going to replace the parts. Fill in the missing holes, cover what is lacking with some duct tape, and seek out some accessories that sparkle a little bit. It will help to detract from the repetitive breakdown.
In a small sketchbook I have been working on drawing out the story of the last several years of my life. When I started it, it was meant to be something beautiful. As I currently pause from it, I realize that it is broken. Broken, but beautiful. Beautifully disturbing. Maybe it was meant as a map to my current destination. The place where I have arrived only to realize I am the one who planned the route, perhaps intentionally to get lost.
There is this moment in my life that I am always reliving in my mind. I always wonder, had I done one certain thing differently, would things be better? And then I try to rationalize that things needed to happen the way that they did. Only now I am not so sure. On my map, that moment is missing. One decision. One decision based on a very specific and unique belief that I have. A belief that I have to have. Only it is a belief that I do not believe to be matched. No one should care about my beliefs anyway, but in that moment, I was truly happy. My choice that night was meant to map that happiness, but maybe, I just wasn’t meant to be.
“I know I feel like this sometimes; Feel like giving up my mind; But it’s all I have and it is mine.” – Redd Kross