Everybody Plays The Fool

If I start to go insane – I close my eyes and see only things I want to see.” – Redd Kross

You won’t find the voice of Paul in my posts, though I did decide to match him on a song quote.  The one I chose however, is far more self indulgent.  And that’s ok.

I know that he has pretty much given up on the idea of my contribution at this point.  I have gone beyond the level of slack, after all.  I’m having a bit of trouble climbing myself out of the hole that I seem to have fallen into.  (If I were to be honest there, I probably would have said the hole that I have dug myself into.  But I have learned this year that honesty is far overrated.  Including honesty with oneself.)

With holiday season upon us here, I found myself deciding in the wee hours of this morning that I am throwing away this holiday.  There is little to celebrate at the moment, and I have no one to blame for that but myself.  Myself being what I will choose to celebrate instead.  Rather than continue to try to operate the same broken machinery I am going to replace the parts.  Fill in the missing holes, cover what is lacking with some duct tape, and seek out some accessories that sparkle a little bit.  It will help to detract from the repetitive breakdown.

In a small sketchbook I have been working on drawing out the story of the last several years of my life.   When I started it, it was meant to be something beautiful.  As I currently pause from it, I realize that it is broken.  Broken, but beautiful.  Beautifully disturbing.  Maybe it was meant as a map to my current destination.  The place where I have arrived only to realize I am the one who planned the route, perhaps intentionally to get lost.  

There is this moment in my life that I am always reliving in my mind.  I always wonder, had I done one certain thing differently, would things be better?  And then I try to rationalize that things needed to happen the way that they did.  Only now I am not so sure.  On my map, that moment is missing.  One decision.  One decision based on a very specific and unique belief that I have.  A belief that I have to have.  Only it is a belief that I do not believe to be matched.  No one should care about my beliefs anyway, but in that moment, I was truly happy.  My choice that night was meant to map that happiness, but maybe, I just wasn’t meant to be.

Happy Holidays.

 

“I know I feel like this sometimes; Feel like giving up my mind; But it’s all I have and it is mine.” – Redd Kross

4 thoughts on “Everybody Plays The Fool

  1. No one wants your voice to match mine, and your thought-provoking post illustrates why that’s the case. Since I’m an old friend and we live in close proximity, I know more of the concrete specifics behind your current malaise, but to have listed them here may indeed have been self-indulgent; the Redd Kross quote, however, was not. We can (and do) aspire to any number of ideals, but the vast majority of us fall short of the mark day after day. And to varying degrees, we all have selective attention and refuse to see and hear what we find disquieting. (Marge: “Homer, you’re not listening to what I’m saying! You’re only hearing what you want to hear.” Homer: “Why, sure, I’d love a sandwich right about now!”) At every moment, as you said, we all create our own circumstances, even the parts we feel victimized by; but remember, this is not usually something we have the luxury or insight to consciously notice. So unless and until we sit under a Bodhi tree for months on end and become “enlightened”, we rely on our escapes, but we need to also rely on each other. Whether or not you or I was a direct and deliberate catalyst of our shitty situations is irrelevant; what’s done is done and those who understand that the present is all that matters also understand that the people who love us, scant as they may be, are there to help us through even our self-made disasters. 2016 seems to have been a rough one for most people who had to suffer through it, but it was downright cruel to you. All things considered, you handled it far better than I would have. You’ve had more than your share of bullshit lately; may 2017 grant you some well-deserved happiness and peace of mind.

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  2. WE place our lives Under a Cloud so as to have a Reason to accept the Dark.,The Cloud tries to leave us however WE chose to run under it again and again! try and let the Cloud serve its Purpose and Seek the Sun however difficult it may be. Little by Little WE will Accept the Warmth and Comfort of The Sun more than the Dark and Dampness of the Cloud! Prayers and Wishes of Comfort and Progress to YA! :):)

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