“Hurricanes. Tornadoes. Riots. Terrorists. Gangs. Lone criminals. These are perils we are sure to face — not just maybe. It’s not paranoia to buy a gun. It’s survival. It’s responsible behavior, and it’s time we encourage law-abiding Americans to do just that.” – Wayne LaPierre, NRA SpokesIdiot
The above hysteria from the bespectacled, beak-nosed mouthpiece of the National Rifle Association is a perfect example of the recent bizarro-world re-definition of machismo and masculinity. Somehow, American men have been reprogrammed to believe that being terrified of every improbable calamity that could possibly befall them is proof of their manhood. But since the typical pusillanimous American male isn’t frequently quoted in the press, how is he to prove to the world how manly he is? That’s right: by strapping a firearm over his shoulder – preferably one with more fire power than he could possibly handle.
I’m sure I don’t need to cite any of the countless examples of the NRA and their paid Congressional flunkies using such twisted logic to avoid all discussion about enacting gun control measures in the wake of our all-too-frequent mass shootings. Suffice it to say that long-standing Senators and Representatives have taken to using LaPierre’s schoolyard assessment of “good guys with guns” being the only antidote to “bad guys with guns”. That’s right: elected members of the highest chambers of government actually believe that the world is a game of cops and robbers wherein every single individual is either a “good guy” or a “bad guy”. But somehow this argument only applies to firearms. It is mostly conservatives who consider it their obligation to cock-block any and all gun legislation (or these days, even a VOTE on whether or not to vote on gun legislation), and they do so under their usual guise of being defenders of citizens’ freedom from government interference. Bullshit. Name me one current self-proclaimed conservative politician who has the balls to take on government intrusion into people’s personal drug use, unorthodox sexuality, atheistic speech, or any number of other issues that DO NOT tangibly threaten anyone else in any way. Conservatives don’t want small government – they want HUGE government, as long as the vast majority of funds pour into the military, domestic policing, and private prison expansion…you know, the entities that really have the power to strip citizens of their tenuous freedoms.
If all of this were confined to the realm of politics, it probably wouldn’t be such a big deal. But the talking points publicly utilized by politicians are simple enough for a 3 year old to understand and that’s where they become dangerous. Now every toothless yokel with an 8th grade education can express himself in words he can comprehend and feel pretty smart about it, too, because after all, “Rick Perry said the same thing!” And if such good ol’ boys aren’t already armed to the teeth, I’m sure hearing such proclamations from the highest halls of gubmint will motivate them to start building their arsenals forthwith.
I have to be honest: I really don’t give a crap about any of this anymore. It seems to me that the most efficient way for the world to solve its seemingly insurmountable problems and crises would be to shed most of its population and start over. Along with epidemics and genocidal weaponry, guns would serve as indispensable tools for such a global scale house cleaning. But the victims of gun violence, especially children, would feel differently, I’m sure. So it is on their behalf that I impart the following sentiment to Wayne LaPierre and the NRA, politicians nationwide, Fox News talking heads, Ted Nugent, and every moronic hillbilly that considers the aforementioned people to be reliable sources of information: Fuck you. Take your precious rifle, wedge the barrel firmly into your sphincter, and pull the trigger. Like a man!