Top 10 Paul Loughmans

What’s in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. – Billy Shakespeare 

I don’t have a Facebook account.  As such, a Google search of my name yields a rather disappointing smattering of pages showing either my mugshot circa 2012 or some album review I posted on Amazon over a decade ago.  Well…that’s not entirely true.  Although I eschew social media entirely, many of my namesakes worldwide do not.  There are a surprising number of Paul Loughmans vying for top billing on that site, so I decided to whittle the list down to the ones with a profile photo for the purposes of this post.  What, you may ask, is the purpose of this post?  To discern, based on a thumbnail-sized photo and a single piece of information, whether or not these online exhibitionists and moniker usurpers are worthy of identifying themselves by my first and last name.  Here goes:

Paul Loughman #1


This guy is a member of the Alaska Army National Guard.  I’m guessing that’s the reason why he inverted his hair growth so that his look would be considered regulation due to a directional technicality.  At least David Letterman waited until retirement to adopt this look.  Stop smiling, Asshole.  You are unworthy of using my name.

Paul Loughman #2


“Hey hey!  I’m Paul and I am lovin’ life and my precious little angel!  Being a dad is the best thing that’s ever happened to me!! Just last month, I was in a band, went out every Wednesday and Saturday night to the local pub, and spent most of my time looking at Youporn and Redtube while smoking up a bong load. Thank God those days are over! Nothing but responsibility, late night diaper changes, and a sexless marriage from here on out! ”  Kill yourself, Paul #2.  It’s only a matter of time, so you might as well get it done with now.  And stop using my name.

Paul Loughman#3


This guy kinda looks like Al Bundy and his kid looks like a smartass.  You can go ahead and keep referring to yourself by my name.

Paul Loughman #4


This Paul Loughman is from Limerick, Ireland.  He’s probably a soccer hooligan.  Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.  You are also forbidden to continue using my name as your name.  I hereby dub you Farty O’Flannigan.

Paul Loughman #5


“HEY!!  HEY!!!! Look at me!!  I’m climbing a big rock!!!  LOOOOOOK!!!”  Piss off, Indiana Jones.  No one cares.  I’m going to let you keep using my name, but I demand a royalty payment of .37 cents every time you speak, write or type it.

Paul Loughman #6


This nondescript curmudgeon almost looks like a priest, but on his profile he indicates only one interest, under the music category: “Eddie Vedder”.  Not Pearl Jam, just Eddie Vedder.  I don’t understand.  Therefore, I cannot risk you going around using my name to identify yourself.  Cease and desist.

Paul Loughman #7


This is a woman.  Somewhere below that pleasant smile is a vagina.  On her profile, she identifies herself as Lisa Paul Loughman.  I’ll split the difference on this one: you can keep your last name if you stop utilizing your inexplicably masculine middle name.  I’m nothing if not fair.

Paul Loughman #8


This guy is in the Irish Defence Forces.  He’s man enough to show affection to his daughter, but will not put down his beer for that or any other purpose.  I guess that’s pretty cool.  You can keep using my name.

Paul Loughman #9


A Liverpudlian that looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.  I don’t know…there’s something I don’t like about this guy.  I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but you know what?  I don’t have to.  This is my website.  Stop using my name, Prick.

Paul Loughman #10


A young father working towards his diploma at the UV School of Law.  Sorry to break this to you, but it’s all downhill from here, Paul Loughman #10.  Brace yourself for five to six decades of long hours, pointless stress, bratty kids and an ever-receding hairline.  And since you don’t have the foresight to see the inevitable, you must henceforth stop using my name.

Impostors, one and all.  I think I may need to copyright my name.

8 thoughts on “Top 10 Paul Loughmans

  1. I’m just glad your name isn’t “Mace Kochenderfer”!

    If you ever decide to change your name, you may choose “Mace Kochenderfer”, but it is copyrighted and I require 37 cents per usage. Of course, I’ll be requiring that you sign your name much more here at the office. I am planning on early retirement and you are my meal ticket.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “Does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name?”
    This is gold. I absolutely lost it at “kill yourself, Paul #2” and from then on it was just a slow descent into hysterical laughter. You’ve mastered deadpan comedy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can’t deal with people who have to tell you, repeatedly, how GREAT their lives are. Which tells me that their lives aren’t actually that great because if they were you’d be out living them and not posting on Facebook. Colour me cynical 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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