In the Golden Age of the Silver Screen, a slap in the face was the classic reaction of a leading woman to the advances of a cad. This act conveys such unquestionable derision that it’s become a phrase to describe just about any perceived insult or injustice – Ain’t that a slap in the face? But a slap in the face isn’t necessarily the proper response to just any asshole in your vicinity. Some people are so heinous that were I to ponder what I’d do if I had the opportunity to meet them, the fantasy would surely be of the murderous variety. That’s not to say that I actually want to kill anyone, but as Marie in Breaking Bad said to her therapist shortly after discovering the extent of Walt’s treachery to her husband, “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt anybody…but it just feels good to think about it.”
This post isn’t about murder fantasies. It’s about slap-in-the-face fantasies and as such, will exclude dictators, despots, Donalds, warlords, neo-Nazis and Fox News hosts. Here’s a short rundown of just a handful of the celebrities that I would pay good money for an opportunity to slap squarely in the face.
This douchebag holds the distinction of being #1 on my list of most slappable twats. He was bad enough as the front man for Chicago, but when he broke out on his own, his crimes against humanity really took a dark turn. “I am a man who will fight for your honor…”. Really? You? I’m not sure whose honor you’re defending, hence I don’t know who you’d have to fight in order to do so, but I can say without hesitation that you’d lose that fight. You know what? Whoever you were singing to there…I just dishonored her egregiously. Want to fight about it? Yeah? Come here, Peter. SLAP!!
The first 10,000 Maniacs album, “The Wishing Chair” was wonderful. They had yet to achieve mass popularity and all of the songs were underscored by dreamy slide guitar riffs that took the focus off of Natalie’s vocals. The track “My Mother The War” remains one of my favorite songs ever recorded. By their next album, the great guitarist had left the band and Natalie’s awful vocal delivery was front and center. Covering Cat Stevens’ “Peace Train” was a lame enough idea on its own merits, but her inexplicable pronunciation of the title, making it sound like “peace tlen” literally makes my blood boil. This affected asshole was born and raised in Cooperstown, NY, so I won’t give her shitty forced dialectical weirdness the same benefit of the doubt that I granted Nico with The Velvet Underground. And have you seen her dance on stage? It’s like watching an epileptic donkey at Woodstock after it inhaled an entire canister of Whip-its. Well…maybe I’m being overly harsh. I’m sorry. Come here, Natalie. Let’s hug and make up…SLAP!!
Do I even need to explain this one? Tom’s Mini-Me and Scientology Chairman of the Board David Miscavige is relegated to my murder fantasy category, and that’s the only reason Toothy Tom gets off with just a slap. If you answered my opening question in the affirmative, just watch this creepy and bizarre declaration of Scientology Superpowers and I’m sure you’ll be on board:
Ideally, I’d get the chance to approach Kirk from 20 paces, because he deserves a double slap as if I were challenging him to a duel. That’s because both versions of Kirk Cameron are fundamentally slap-worthy. First, there was the smug, jheri-curled 80s heartthrob version that appeared in Growing Pains. The fact that his self-satisfied mug appeared on the cover of Teen Beat on an almost weekly basis is enough to earn him his first slap. Then, of course, there’s the insufferable Born Again producer of God-awful Christian cinema and gay marriage detractor version of Kirk that we have today. Come pray with me, Kirk. Let’s close our eyes, bow our heads and praise the Lord…SLAP!! SLAP!!
There are so many famous people who merit a slap in the face that I need to cut this short lest I belabor my point. The above hand-picked smattering of slappable celebs was just provided as a reference guide. What I’d really like to know, dear readers, is who among the famous (or formerly famous) YOU would find most satisfying to be the recipient of five fingers to the face. The comments section is now open. Get slappin’, my friends.
SLAP!! Did you hear that?