You Put One Foot In Front Of The Other

“I’ve got a bike, you can ride it if you like.  It’s got a basket, a bell that rings and things to make it look good.  I’d give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it.”

Causes-of-Stress copy

So, as I have not slept in weeks I found myself at the doctor’s office yesterday.  I’ve been going to this doctor for years, and I see her every three months for medication monitoring.  When she asks me how I am today I explain that I have not been sleeping.  She wanted to know what I have done about it so far.  Well, as we know very little.

She said that it was stress.  She said that the last (not quite sure how long) period of my life has been rather difficult, and that it would cause anyone stress.  While she feels that I was handling it all well for a while, she said that for the last nine months or so I have not been well.  The stress is causing my immune system to break down, and that is why I keep getting strange illnesses and infections.  She told me that I am killing myself and that if I don’t start taking care of myself I am going to have a heart attack or stroke.  She said that she has watched my personality dull down with all the illness and stress.  She does not want to put me on medication for the insomnia.  Said that she would if I wanted her to, but that it would just zombie me out and that she would prefer to see the old me back.  So would I.  Yet, easier said than done.

“Life is short,” she said, “You need to start doing things again, what have you been doing for fun and relaxation?”  Sad part was that I had not much to say as an answer.  I can’t even remember the last time I did something simple, like go out to see a movie.  Or go out for dinner, unless it was grabbing some food with beer.  Drinking has just sort of become a habit.  Like, what you do at the end of the day.  I think that it is keeping me from working on a myriad of projects that I have started.  I think that it is part of the stress and the insomnia.  I think that it is causing me stomach issues.  I know that there are other reasons for my stress, things that I can not talk about here.  I somehow need to release them from my thoughts, they are rather consuming.  I need to find a way to deal with them that is less damaging.  Though so far, my only solutions seem more damaging.

I agree with her all around, and it is not as if I have not seem these things for myself for quite a while.  I am just stuck in a strange place at the moment.   I want things to be different.  As I have stated before, it isn’t even a depression.  It is an anger and disappointment.  I need to make my own changes.

I wanted to go on a bike ride today.  I was really looking forward to it actually.  Unfortunately, the winds have kicked up pretty severely.  Where I live, that means severe attack on my already infected sinuses as well as a free microdermabrasion session due to all the sand that flies around.  I guess, well hopefully anyway, that means that I will actually work on some of the things that I have been putting off.  Like the idea that has been swimming in my head for weeks.  I’ve even taken notes on it, and the I just halted.  Or work on some of my art that NEEDS to get worked on.  Or even prep for my opening reception that is just a few days away that I haven’t even thought about.  Oh yeah, and the bills need to get paid, so I should probably do that.

The strange thing is, that in order to get any of that done, in my current state of whatever, I feel like I need to get dressed and ready.  As if I was going somewhere.  Try and look like myself.  I haven’t really been doing that lately.  It takes an awful lot away from the way my personality projects.  I have a “look.”  It really is a part of me, and sitting around in boy underwear and a ripped Zappa shirt doesn’t exactly spark my motivation.  Even though that is a totally me late at night around the house look.

I’ll let y’all know if anything comes of any of it.  I really hope that I can push myself.  Yesterday, I thought that I would get a lot of it done.  Instead, I got focused on ONE task … that I stuck with the bulk of the day.  So, my day closed with, “Well, I got stuff done, but not nearly as much as I wanted to accomplish.”  But as Paul can comment on, I say that every day.

I hope to get some sleep these days, so that I can visit with you all more.

Until then.

Oh, and by the way … while I do read any comments here, sometimes I am slow to respond.  If anyone cares to strike up a direct dialogue, or maybe be a motivational partner in creativity or whatever, feel free to contact me directly.  You could email me at patchcrist@gmail.com, or feel free to connect on any and every social media platform 😉

… sigh … of how I want to feel that love again …

Oh, and here is the shameless selfie of me and my 16 year old …

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18 thoughts on “You Put One Foot In Front Of The Other

  1. I don’t think I will ever achieve all the things I want to in a day because the list never ends. Sometimes when motivation is hard, we just need to give ourselves a break and celebrate the things we did achieve no matter how small they may seem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. How should I celebrate? Bourbon? 😉 Actually, I went several days last week without any drinks. Mid week broke down for reasons completely outside of what anyone might think. As of today, I am four days drink free.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all, I much prefer your Syd Barrett-era Pink Floyd quote to the David Gilmour one that seemed most applicable for my last post. Gilmour’s a depressing guy. Barrett was a lunatic, and that’s far more entertaining. I can only speak from my experience, but here’s the commonality between the drinking and the lack of morning ablutions: the only reason I always shower, dress and run a brush through my hair even when I have no plans of seeing anyone for the entire day is because it creates a feeling of commitment to the day — kind of like, “Well, for whatever reason, I’ve come this far, so I might as well do some other constructive shit since I’m up and ready”. Conversely, one early beer creates an equal and opposite mindset: “Well, I’ve come this far towards making today a boozy blow-off, so I might as well keep going for it”. Shower or not, beer or not, it’s all just what we tell ourselves, of course, but I think that subconsciously, the simple act of a morning shower or a morning beer are ways that we solidify what we did or didn’t want to accomplish in the first place.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. On yet another positive note, I sit here typing while listening to the Psychedelic Furs. My 16 year old comes out, gives me a hug and says that he loves when he wakes up and I am home playing loud music. I am going to add a shameless selfie to the post. Me and my most wonderful boy.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. It seems we are all getting by on a thread these days. I agree with Paul on the early day boozin’. It can make or break your day.
    And get some rest. It’s time to shake these winter blues.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The psychiatrist actually said, “You are on a string. Totally strung out. I mean I have seen people like a rubber band stretched to the extent and ready to snap, but you are on a string.”

      Liked by 1 person

  4. On a string…as in puppet strings? Not sure I totally understand the reference. I get the rubber band reference. Maybe you are being pulled so tightly but still have your shit together enough to where you will not snap like a rubber band.

    Like

  5. I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t sleeping well. I too have issues with falling asleep and what was recommended to me was Melatonin. It is a natural sleep aid and is not habit forming. It helps me. I sleep better when I take it. It might help you get the rest you need so you’re not so tired and burned out. Exercise also helps me. I sleep better and feel better on the days that I exercise. Just thought these ideas might help you because they help me. Take care of yourself. I enjoy chatting with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Life is Hard enough w/o our own road blocks that WE make. Life w/o GOD is just that! Ask Him to give You the Gifts of The Holy Spirit for Strength, Wisdom and Courage., than See how much HE Loves YOU and YOURS! I will keep YA and YA family in MY Prayers-GOD Bless YA!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sorry to hear you are struggling. Just remember to be good to yourself and take time to enjoy yourself. Get in the car, crank the music, sing your ass off and get lost in the music. Drive somewhere you don’t normally go, and really look around when you get there. Find some new perspective and then take it home and kick ass. That’s my advice. You got this girl!

    Liked by 2 people

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