“I’ve got a bike, you can ride it if you like. It’s got a basket, a bell that rings and things to make it look good. I’d give it to you if I could, but I borrowed it.”
So, as I have not slept in weeks I found myself at the doctor’s office yesterday. I’ve been going to this doctor for years, and I see her every three months for medication monitoring. When she asks me how I am today I explain that I have not been sleeping. She wanted to know what I have done about it so far. Well, as we know very little.
She said that it was stress. She said that the last (not quite sure how long) period of my life has been rather difficult, and that it would cause anyone stress. While she feels that I was handling it all well for a while, she said that for the last nine months or so I have not been well. The stress is causing my immune system to break down, and that is why I keep getting strange illnesses and infections. She told me that I am killing myself and that if I don’t start taking care of myself I am going to have a heart attack or stroke. She said that she has watched my personality dull down with all the illness and stress. She does not want to put me on medication for the insomnia. Said that she would if I wanted her to, but that it would just zombie me out and that she would prefer to see the old me back. So would I. Yet, easier said than done.
“Life is short,” she said, “You need to start doing things again, what have you been doing for fun and relaxation?” Sad part was that I had not much to say as an answer. I can’t even remember the last time I did something simple, like go out to see a movie. Or go out for dinner, unless it was grabbing some food with beer. Drinking has just sort of become a habit. Like, what you do at the end of the day. I think that it is keeping me from working on a myriad of projects that I have started. I think that it is part of the stress and the insomnia. I think that it is causing me stomach issues. I know that there are other reasons for my stress, things that I can not talk about here. I somehow need to release them from my thoughts, they are rather consuming. I need to find a way to deal with them that is less damaging. Though so far, my only solutions seem more damaging.
I agree with her all around, and it is not as if I have not seem these things for myself for quite a while. I am just stuck in a strange place at the moment. I want things to be different. As I have stated before, it isn’t even a depression. It is an anger and disappointment. I need to make my own changes.
I wanted to go on a bike ride today. I was really looking forward to it actually. Unfortunately, the winds have kicked up pretty severely. Where I live, that means severe attack on my already infected sinuses as well as a free microdermabrasion session due to all the sand that flies around. I guess, well hopefully anyway, that means that I will actually work on some of the things that I have been putting off. Like the idea that has been swimming in my head for weeks. I’ve even taken notes on it, and the I just halted. Or work on some of my art that NEEDS to get worked on. Or even prep for my opening reception that is just a few days away that I haven’t even thought about. Oh yeah, and the bills need to get paid, so I should probably do that.
The strange thing is, that in order to get any of that done, in my current state of whatever, I feel like I need to get dressed and ready. As if I was going somewhere. Try and look like myself. I haven’t really been doing that lately. It takes an awful lot away from the way my personality projects. I have a “look.” It really is a part of me, and sitting around in boy underwear and a ripped Zappa shirt doesn’t exactly spark my motivation. Even though that is a totally me late at night around the house look.
I’ll let y’all know if anything comes of any of it. I really hope that I can push myself. Yesterday, I thought that I would get a lot of it done. Instead, I got focused on ONE task … that I stuck with the bulk of the day. So, my day closed with, “Well, I got stuff done, but not nearly as much as I wanted to accomplish.” But as Paul can comment on, I say that every day.
I hope to get some sleep these days, so that I can visit with you all more.
Oh, and by the way … while I do read any comments here, sometimes I am slow to respond. If anyone cares to strike up a direct dialogue, or maybe be a motivational partner in creativity or whatever, feel free to contact me directly. You could email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, or feel free to connect on any and every social media platform 😉
… sigh … of how I want to feel that love again …
Oh, and here is the shameless selfie of me and my 16 year old …