My A.D.D. May get the best of me today, and you may find this post to be a bit all over the place. That is of course if anyone is actually reading it. I would think that people would be sick and tired of hearing about exactly how sick and tired I have been. Oh yeah, and I didn’t sleep last night. My brain got the best of me and I was up all night somewhat spiraling … though not in a totally awful panicky way. I tried to combat the madness by repeating counting and number sequences to see if I could “train” my mind a bit and pull it away from the wandering thoughts.
Due to my lack of contribution to this joint venture blog, no one really knows the reality of my bizarre little world. Generally I just kind of roll with things even when they suck and just bust my ass to lift my legs high enough out of the muck trying to move swiftly enough to arrive at greener pastures. I can be a complete sarcastic pain in everyone’s ass whose sense of humor may not leave everyone laughing, but my natural posture is that of someone who is quirky and positive in an extremely awkward sort of way. I get through it. I’m usually pretty happy, often laughing, and I always make things happen. I make things work. Even under the toughest of circumstances. 2016 may have broke a bit of that in me. I sincerely desire for this to be a temporary situation.
2016 was a year of shit and piss for me. I would have preferred it be a year of premature ejaculation. At least that way it would have been somewhat within my ability to control. Instead, we, me, my husband, and little family, were simply hammered with devastating events that were completely out of our hands. It put a serious limit on everything that we regularly try to enjoy about life, and it has caused some lasting effects that continue to do so. It starts to make you question everything. Anyway.
There is only so much that I reveal about my life when I am online. I have a stopping point, a line that I don’t always cross. I have been thinking about that a lot lately in its relation to internet anonymity, and sites like The Experience Project. http://www.experienceproject.com/
The Experience Project was shut down about a year ago. For those of you unfamiliar with The Experience Project, I will steal a little bit of info from Wikipedia rather than link you over there:
The Experience Project was a free social networking website consisting of various online communities. It operated from 2007 until 2016, when it announced it would suspend new registrations indefinitely.
The nodes of the network were “life experiences”, such as starting a new job, battling depression or surviving a divorce. Members who had listed experiences in common were automatically connected. Reversing the “f.r.i.e.n.d.s.” concept of traditional social networks, in which connections are made between known individuals who then may or may not share experiences, on the Experience Project, connections were made based on shared experiences. The site emphasized anonymity to promote more authentic conversations that would otherwise be quelled by fear of recognition or embarrassment.
In March 2016, it was announced that Experience Project would be closing for the long term on April 21, 2016. New registrations or the posting of new content was suspended, freezing the current library of experiences. Reasons cited for the closure included difficulties maintaining user privacy in the face of increasing governmental powers, challenges complying with new data privacy laws, and general online trends that were moving away from long-form content.
Now, to quote from that information, “The site emphasized anonymity to promote more authentic conversations that would otherwise be quelled by fear of recognition or embarrassment.”
THIS is the concept that is sticking with me at the moment when it comes to online presence. Now, a handful of you may be familiar with the fact that I have some other online projects that I have been in the works of starting and/or working on. Not ALL of you are familiar, and for that, there is a reason. An alternate online identity that was created for purposes of online anonymity. Now, those of you that know me personally know that I am not someone who is usually “quelled by fear of recognition or embarrassment.” That is where I am a bit torn on the concept of online anonymity. My questioning of all of this has currently stunted some of the other online projects that I was all geared up to start.
The underlying purposes of these other projects are not at all aligned with thinking that certain things that I have to say are undeniably important and need to be out there. They also are not purposed by self indulgence and a need for recognition, even if anonymous recognition. If that was the case, I would probably be directing people there. The reasons behind these projects is more of a self guided therapy. This of course is where the reasoning for online anonymity comes into play. Ultimately, if my life and thoughts were all about me, I wouldn’t have the need to hide behind some curtain of cleverly defined naming definitions. My feelings for needing to hide behind the curtain with The Great and Powerful Oz is due to the fact that I need to protect those that are around me. While I may be fine with my life being totally out there, that does not mean that those in my life feel the same. Left with the struggle that I feel the need to publicly be me, work through some things that have been destroying me, as well as protect the identity of those around me, other projects may be halted currently. It is too easy for people to hide, and I am currently unhappy with the position that popular social media outlets are taking in order to force people into maintaining a true online presence, yet create tools to allow them to conceal online behaviors making it way to easy for people to engage in behaviors that they might have not otherwise. A subject that I am not prepared to even start to discuss.
The funny thing about my thoughts on all of this. Now, this is a subject that has crossed my mind before, but the reason for it becoming a focal point right now is absolutely ridiculous.
While I have previously had knowledge of The Experience Project, I have never been a member. Recently I have had somewhat of an obsession with the idea of being able to attend the Fuji Rock Festival in Japan the last weekend of July, which also happens to be the weekend of my 2nd anniversary. (For those of you that are in touch with my reality, you know what a nightmare my 1st anniversary was in 2016. For those who don’t, that may be a story for another time. The point here is, it would be great to do something really cool for our 2nd anniversary.)
One of the few highlights of 2016 was getting to attend the Cornelius does Fantasma show in Denver back in, I believe it was August. In 2016. It had been nearly a decade since Cornelius had released a full length album, but in early 2016 he did at least release of compilation of recent production and remix work that included three brand new Cornelius tracks. Though it was not an easy find, I had been really excited to pick it up. Constellations of Music. Constellations of Music had an amazing sort of sci-fi remix of a great song by another Japanese band that I love called Plastic Sex. Plastic Sex was a project that had been put together by Nakanishi Toshio (aka Tycoon To), who was the leader of yet another fascinating Japanese techno/new wave band called The Plastics.
On Friday I had been reading up on the line up for this years Fuji Festival. An AMAZING line up that includes some bands I would love to see, such as the Gorillaz, Queens of the Stone Age, Aphex Twin, LCD SOUNDSYSTEM. And on the final day some that I cringe at the name of, like Bjork and Lorde. While reading I discovered that Cornelius had been added on day 2. It left me with something to obsess on and maybe dream about for a bit. As a result of that, when I arrived at work Saturday morning, I opened up my laptop, threw in some headphones, and opened up Constellations of Music. One of my first choices when I pop that on is always, “The End.” That is the Plastic Sex remix. This of course sets off my A.D.D. And makes me think, “What the hell was the year that came out again?” Which lead me on a Google and DuckDuckGo search. I then got caught up and had not had time to look at the results.
When I started work on Sunday morning I opened my laptop and the tab was still there. So, there I was, more than entertained at the search results for the search term, “Plastic Sex,” when I see a text from Amy from the night before with a link to a Reddit page called GLORP. I’ll just assume that you are unfamiliar with the GLORP page on Reddit and tell you that the first thing you would see if you clicked on the link would be things like thumbnails to videos of a bunch of human penises with googly eyes. On the Guidelines & Etiquette page you can look through the comments and find this information:
How and why Amy stumbled upon this page, I really don’t need to know, but of course as always it was my duty to respond with something equally as stimulating. This is why I sent her a link to the page that was up on my laptop at that particular moment. A page that once you clicked on the link for brought up the title topic in somewhere around a 22.9 point type face. I Had Sex In Plastic Baby Pants. Welcome to my once again acquaintance The Experience Project. So, that of course is what sent me on the tangent and deep thoughts on online anonymity. Thanks, Amy!
To be honest here, my A.D.D. as always got the best of me, and I did wander off on the brief distraction of checking out a few more pages that one finds when doing a search for “Plastic Sex.” I’m sure no one would be surprised by a) the content that rises to the top of that search, as well as b) the fact that I did have to take a little time to explore it. (This also resulted in me sending Amy a link to some UK site on PVC sex fetishes.) You’re welcome, Amy!
Using the term “Plastic Sex” in the UK is just about as common as the UK obsession with Chem Sex.
No matter what your level of interest is in ANY of these topics, you now understand a bit of how my brain works. How one thing arrives at another, leading to yet another, on and on. Taking me down some path that will now possibly stunt the growth of my other projects as I sit around contemplating how I feel about them in relation to my having to hide. (I scratch my head and determine that my hair product made it feel rather greasy today. It probably looks just as greasy.)
This is the end, of Adam.
I don’t even remember anymore where I left off in any discussion of my drinking, the lack thereof, or my drinking. (And this really isn’t about any of that.) But anyway. (anytime I say or think the words “but anyway” my mind immediately starts singing the live version of “Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie” off of Black Flag’s “Who’s Got The 10 ½.” “But anyway. I don’t want it all right now. I just want a little. I don’t want it all, I just want some. Don’t want it all I just want some.”) Back to where I was. But anyway, on the way back to Albuquerque from Santa Fe last night, right before seeing a car go up in major flames in the middle of an intersection, we stopped and had some beer and food. (I only had one beer alongside my plate of toasted pita, raw vegetables, and hummus.) I took a solid week completely off of drinking, and have been drinking in moderation since. Not drinking every day for sure, and keeping it in control. Maybe a little tipsy one night, but not from necessarily drinking too much, the beer was just really strong. I only had 2, and I had eaten some significant and very tasty food a few hours prior.
Once we got home, I realized that it was Sunday. Sunday is the night that HBO airs GIRLS. A show that I only even know about, originally because Michael Penn was composing the music, and then secondly, Judd Apatow. I have mentioned the show before, and I have watched it since season one. The women on the show are mostly extremely annoying, but when you have been watching a show long enough you can sometimes develop an attachment to annoying. Hannah is highly irritating, but everyone knows someone just like her. Just hearing Marnie speak makes me want to hit people. Shosh is the character that seemed the most annoying in the beginning, but over time I have developed an appreciation of her. And then there is Jessa, who while I can not relate to the life of her character in a way, because of everyone’s obsession with her looks and her hair, I can relate to her in a variety of other ways. Scarily enough it took 6 seasons for that to happen.
Overall, the show is something hard to relate to for me. Yet another HBO “just me and the girls” shows. It’s the younger, grittier, more poverty stricken version of Sex & The City in that way. Am I wrong? Right down to the count of how many women “gal pals” there are in the story line. I have never lived that life. I never had some group of women who I consulted with about every fucking life decision as if I had no mind on my own and needed them huddled in my bathroom with me helping me decide. The concept is completely unfamiliar. Does that even really exist? Regardless, why I am still with it after six seasons with only one more episode to go, Adam Sackler. The character that was sadly missing from last night’s episode. As I have said before, the character of Adam Sackler is that guy I struggle to determine if in some ways I want to be him, if he is my weird TV crush, or both.
After having had such a rough year in 2016, I have found myself marathoning through different TV shows on Netflix or other platforms. I’ve found myself getting more and more attached to characters and their situations. One that I was really sad to finish. Maron. I marathon watched that show and was genuinely sad when it ended. I wonder how I will feel after this coming Sunday’s final episode of GIRLS. I have been attached to Adam Sackler for 6 years. That is longer than I’ve known my husband. ” How can you not find it endearing when Adam creepily gets into the shower with Hannah, stares at her, then pees on her. Or when he tries to get her to jog and she tries to get him to eat ice cream, “I don’t do ice cream. It’s like sweet mucus.”
I guess I’ll just have to remember the moments and recreate them in my own world.
Until Next Time