Take off to the Great White North! Take off! It’s a beauty way to go. – Geddy Lee
Well, this weekend I’m going to have to throw in the towel and bring another facet of my anachronistic technology into the 21st Century. I still have a standard issue flip phone. It makes and receives calls. It receives texts and I can even return short text messages by hunting and pecking on the 10 buttons comprising the keypad. In other words, it is capable of doing everything that a phone is supposed to do.
Apparently, I missed the memorandum that alerted the world to the fact that phones are now supposed to do everything imaginable, rendering the following big-ticket items obsolete: televisions, CD players, PCs, DVD players, game consoles, radios, cameras, GPS devices, etc. However, this might be a good thing because when I travel, I like to travel light. Also, a flip phone is incapable of downloading and storing “apps” and though this was of no concern to me in the past, there is one app out there that I need to access right now: Maple Match.
Maple Match is a dating app created for the sole purpose of hooking up single Americans with single Canadians. The creators of this service make no secret of the fact that they started this venture as a kind gesture to their American neighbors who are horrified to find themselves suddenly living in a fascist dictatorship. And I fear that if I spend much longer biding my time and waiting to “see what happens”, I may find myself trapped in the hellscape of the private prison industry for having broken some conveniently newly-minted anti-protest law or something (only the US could come up with something so horribly draconian in the name of profit). That would be a fate worse than death.
It’s a blessing that I have never afforded the institution of marriage any importance or respect because this makes me a person who can marry for citizenship without any moral qualms. Therefore, it’s time for me to upgrade my phone, don my maple leaf-emblazoned toque, grill up some back bacon and find me some sub-Arctic lovin’ in the Great White North.
Coo Roo Coo Coo Coo Coo Coo Coo!