Todd

Baby-spencer-icarly-o

The next challenge comes from the brilliantly skewed mind behind Mydangblog.  She’s an expert at turning the seemingly mundane into comedy gold, so why not have yourself a laugh?  Here’s where to find her: https://educationalmentorship.com/.  In response to the challenge, she wrote: “How true is the saying, ‘A daughter’s a daughter all of her life; a son’s a son ’til he gets a wife’”?

When Todd was a toddler, he toddled after his mother in pursuit of perpetual protection and praise.  His mother called him a “handful”, which was a maternally polite euphemism for “a 50 lb. anthropomorphic hemorrhoid”.  From binkies to baseball cards, she placated his every whim and this made him feel shiny and special.

When Todd was a teen, he thumbed his nose at his mother, ignored her advice, dropped the “my” from the “mom” and pronounced it “Bitch”.  Sometimes she sighed or rolled her eyes, but she kept him well-fed and gave him his space and this made him feel shiny and special.

When Todd met Molly, two m’s shy of his mommy, he thought, “close enough,” and put a ring on her finger.  His mother called him a man, so he tried to live up to the title by making Molly feel inferior.  Molly stood by him and fed him well, and at first, she seemed to enjoy her role.  So Todd stopped calling his mother and when he cried for his dinner, the onus now fell upon Molly, whose home cooking made him feel shiny and special.

Todd had a short attention span.  His mother always said this showed he was creative.  So while Molly served him to the best of her ability in an effort to sustain the illusion of marital bliss, Todd created temporary surrogate mothers all over town.  They made him feel shiny and special. He contracted herpes and generously shared them with Molly one night when he was too drunk to recall that she bored him.   These days, Anheuser-Busch supplied his binkies.

With free time on her hands, Molly struck out and sought sympathetic ears.  “You should leave him,” they said, “he’s just a 50 year old anthropomorphic hemorrhoid.”  So with the support of good friends and good wine, Molly did just that.  When Todd came home to an empty house, he swore and screamed and cried.  He picked up the phone and called his mother.  She tried to console him, but Todd was hysterical; too far gone.  He put his fist through a door, woke the neighbors next door, and was taken away to a quiet place where he could rest.

Rita the night nurse comes in at 8:00 p.m. sharp with her cart full of food and pills and goodies.  She fluffs Todd’s pillow and tells him he’s handsome, which makes him feel shiny and special.  Just as she exits his room each night, he rings the bell and summons her back.  “What is it, Todd?  Did I forget something?” she asks.  Todd smiles coyly and answers, “just making sure you can hear the bell.”  Rita smiles condescension at her ornery charge, then heads downstairs to the break room.  “Finished with your rounds, Rita?” a congenial nurse inquires.  “My shift never ends,” she replies.  “I’m stuck with a 50 year old anthropomorphic hemorrhoid that thinks I’m his mother.”

 

14 thoughts on “Todd

  1. Better than I could have imagined–I knew when I gave you the challenge, you would be brilliant! I was feeling low because my son, who’s pretty wonderful, is spending the weekend at his girlfriend ‘s place, but now I feel so much better, because my life could be SO much worse if I had a son like Todd!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. […] Last week, I challenged a fantastic fellow blogger to write on a specific topic. He goes by ‘desertcurmudgeon’ and his blog is Two Voices in One Transmission. His posts are extremely articulate and always thought-provoking and entertaining, so be sure to check him out. When he challenged his readers to give him a topic, I gave him the following prompt: “A daughter’s a daughter all of her life; a son’s a son ‘til he takes a wife.” I’ve heard this saying many times, and while I don’t necessarily believe it’s true, I wanted to see what desertcurmudgeon could do with it. The result is the hilarious Todd. […]

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