It’s the little things that I miss.

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I know that I rarely step on here and take the time to even be amusing let alone interesting.

I think that I simply have not bothered to participate because I feel as if I just don’t have very much in me anymore.  I used to have something to say, or at least just some jackass comments to make.  These days I feel as if all I have is the ability to whine and complain.  No one wants to hear that, and ultimately I really don’t have the right.  I really don’t have things so bad, just a few things are out of step and I appear to be stuck spinning in it rather that doing anything about it.

A few weeks ago I had some motivation and some ideas.  How do I make it actually happen?

Where did I go?  In that I mean me.  What happened to me?  It is like I need help in pulling out that underlying person that is still in there somewhere.  How do I put these ideas in motion?  How do I stop feeling so alone?  How do I get my mind to stop spinning on nonsense?

Really, I invite any suggestions here.  Because right now, I just kind of feel useless, alone, and unmotivated.  There are those rare moments when the spark comes back.  But it is usually only long enough to race through some ideas without any execution.

I’m feeling guilty a lot lately.  And I have stopped doing a lot of the things that were keeping me motivated.  I’m hoping that I can make right all of the things that I feel I’ve caused to go wrong.

Can anyone ignite the spark?

7 thoughts on “It’s the little things that I miss.

  1. I’ve tried to give you many suggestions right here in the form of what I post, but I’m not sure how much of that you’ve read, or if you did, if you internalized it as at least somewhat directed at you. Your questions actually answer themselves. You are struggling because you treat yourself as two entities: Maryellen who is dissatisfied and Maryellen who judges the dissatisfied Maryellen. When we say, “I’m just talking to myself” as though it’s just a silly thing we do, we fail to notice that we actually reinforce our illusion of being a duality every time we do this. All you need to do is shift your focus: away from yourself, your aggravations, your troubles, your wishes and hopes, your disappointments, your this, your that. Spend a day trying to just observe the world around you without judgment and I bet you it will look a whole lot different than usual. Quiet the internal dialogue. None of us has ever solved our problems through that mental device, nor will we ever. The trick is to understand that there are no problems. And most importantly, understand that when your visceral reaction to such a suggestion is “how the hell do I do that?”, this is actually your ego stating in no uncertain terms: “I don’t want to do that, so I’m going to stick with my time-honored trick of pretending I’m incapable of doing it.” Now, print out this comment twice, roll the two pieces of paper into narrow cylinders, and rub them together. From what I understand, that may just ignite a spark.

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  2. There was really a lot more I could have said in this post. It was there in my mind. I’m just an idiot. We all know that I am the QUEEN of beating myself up.

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  3. Start with you! I know I for one would like to know more about you, so try writing a post about who you are, and see where things go from there. Who knows? Maybe all you need to do is remind yourself of what you consider to be your defining characteristics, of what sets you apart from others and makes you who you are. Once you know what interests you, you can start to write about it.
    And as for the complaining bit, that’s nonsense. Sure you’re better off than some, but you’re also worse off than others. Saying you can’t complain because some people have it worse is like saying you can’t be grateful because some people have it better. At the very least vocalising (on in this case typing) your concerns will help you address them.

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  4. Teo things work for me: get outside. Talk to someone in person. Both things change my channel when I’m stuck.
    Oh- and here’s a tasteless joke: beating yourself up is bad but the makeup sex is great.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That cheered me up a little 😉 . I am never alone though. I always have people at home to talk to. Most nights my husband and I go out on a long walk with the dog as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. On second thought, perhaps another piece of abstract Alan Watts-style advice isn’t helpful (at this point). Here’s a better suggestion: do the same thing I just did last week with my Challenge The Curmudgeon post and ask our readers to tell you what they would like to see you write about. Challenge The Maz. If I don’t see you have that post up by tomorrow soliciting topics from others, I’ll break my non-posting sabbatical and do it for you.

    Liked by 3 people

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