Decoding Modern English


Do you want people to remember you as “an angel”?

Get murdered.

Do you want people to refer to you as “a miracle”?

Become a drug addict or an alcoholic for a decade, then sober up for about a week.

Do you want people to call you “a genius”?

Post some life hack advice to your Facebook page explaining how to make your whites whiter with a tablespoon of vinegar.

Do you want people to think of you as “a savior”?

Badger J.K. Rowling on her Twitter feed until she agrees to write another Harry Potter book.

Do you want to be called “a hero”?

Take your son or daughter to some extracurricular activity and shout encouraging things at them.

Do you want to be called “a disaster”?

Become the first African-American president of the United States, solve the nation’s financial crisis, take out the leader of the world’s most notorious terrorist network, secure universal health care, improve the country’s image across the globe and speak with intelligence, restraint and compassion.

Next week’s linguistics lesson: integrating “covfefe” into the Western vernacular.

11 thoughts on “Decoding Modern English

  1. Great synopsis of that viral article making the social media rounds. Obama’s Disaster Presidency. I have to hand it to you. You may be the Internet’s first Poet Journalist. Does that fit? Your ability to transform long read into bite-sized slices.

    Liked by 2 people

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